I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
