Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize