2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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