I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
