Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
