so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
