Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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