how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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