Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
