I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
