hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
