Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
