I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
