"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize