my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
