This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
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