My hand turned me down
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize