I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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