Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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