Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize