thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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