He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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