you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
