Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
