i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
