I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
