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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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