Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
