we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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