If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
