If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
