Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize