i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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