I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
