Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
