so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
