eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
