It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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