She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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