dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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