is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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