My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
