your parents love me but you hate me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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