I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
