oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
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