listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
