my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
