Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
