Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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