Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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