Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
