what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
