Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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