Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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