had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize