if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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