Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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