He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
