I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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