This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
