some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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